Hugely Different From Sympathy, Empathy Equals Connection, Sympathy Equals Disconnection
As human beings and as counsellors who are practicing, or in training. The question of showing and communicating empathy is a curious question that we must check in with and review regularly.
Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other person is feeling. As well as see things from their point of view and their point of reference (or frame of reference technical term).
It is the ability to imagine yourself in their place. It is putting yourself in someone else’s position and feeling what they must be feeling. Thats empathy.
But when you see another person in pain and suffering. Then you might be able to instantly see yourself in the other person’s place, or not?.
It’s when you feel an emotional response for what they are going through. You know, usually we are pretty well-attuned to our own feelings and emotions, right?. But getting into someone else’s frame of reference emotionally can be a lot more difficult.
It is the ability to feel empathy allows people to “walk a mile in another’s shoes”.
“A tutor once said to me that empathy is about putting yourself in another’s shoes but keeping your own socks on. I think this is very useful for exploring boundaries” Sara Mathews BACP Senior Accredited Bereavement Counsellor
Having empathy permits people to understand the emotions that others are feeling. Plus to make it even harder you need to be able to communicate those feelings back to the person.
This is Carl Rogers Statement of Empathy
“The therapist experiences an empathic understanding of the clients internal frame of reference.
And endeavours to communicate this experience to the client.”
What That Really Means?
The stand-out thing about this is the need to attempt to communicate empathy is not just to be empathetic.
But it seems to be that Rogers was underlying that emphasising is an active process on the part of any listener.
That it is at the very least enhanced by the attempt to communicate it back authenticly.
That’s the hard part. Otherwise it maybe be sounding more like sympathy. FYI Empathy fuels connections and sympathy drives disconnection. Watch this wonderful YouTube video from the one and only Brene Brown it is animated, and funny as she always is.
Carl Rogers may have been indicating that only in completing the circle with clients and the people around you. And by trying to offer back to them an intuited, or partially understood sense of their world is the full circle of being truly empathetic.
As therapists the grasp of the clients inner world can then be expanded or refined. John Shlien claims that empathy is a basic universal human ability. It is a form of intelligence and a sign of psychological health. So there you have it.
He suggests that the ability to understand another person is one of the foundations of fulfilled living. But this is one of the first things we can lose the ability to do, when we are distressed.
Empathy is Paying Attention
Let’s face it understanding another person can’t be done unless we pay attention, and listen. It needs to be focused attention. As well as undivided attention.
By using a variety of senses simultaneously such as sight, hearing, and possibly smell. Also within body therapies touch. That is the only time we can stand a chance of achieving it.
It’s shocking at times when I overhear other people having conversations it is alarming how often neither party is listening.
They have an agenda, not expecting to be questioned. Or given feedback that goes against the planned destination of their conversation.
In counselling this style of conversation is referred to as colluding with the client.
It is Just lip service that doesn’t help the other person at all.
I digressed slightly so let’s get back to the discussion of what is empathy?
Referring to the Dictionary of Counselling, by Colin Feltham and Windy Dryden. This is what they say around empathy.
Dictionary of Counselling entry on empathy:
“The attitude and skill of following, grasping and understanding as fully as possible the clients subjective experience.
As if from the perspective of the client him/herself.
In addition, it is the communication to the clients that the counsellor is experientially alongside them. They are essentially striving to understand what they are feeling or struggling to articulate.
It is not identifying with the client, offering sympathy. Pre-empting his own understanding of himself or silently assuming that they understand (false empathy).
Basic Empathy
Basic empathy is the ability to be in touch with, and communicate ones understanding of the contents of the client’s experience.
Accurate Empathy
Accurate empathy refers to the precise identification of what the client means. And feels from moment to moment.
Advanced Empathy
Advanced empathy is the skill of perceiving and communicating ones understanding of what the client intends. But does not say.
The ability to sense half-hidden meanings and to voice them for the client, thus moving the counselling forward. Empathy has been called vicarious introspection (Kohut). It is recognised as a core condition in counselling.
Philosophical
Philosophical empathy is the counsellors act of understanding the client core belief system. And helping to bring these into explicit awareness for evaluation. Empathic symmetry is the balance of empathy needed in the area of couples counselling.
Regarded by many counsellor’s empathy is the cornerstone of counselling. There is some debate around the limits of empathy’s helpfulness and the danger of its inducing dependence“.
Summary
So, that’s a lot of information and hopefully I have shed some light around what empathy is.
Obviously how to do this naturally isn’t an easy thing. For me in the past I have been so in my head about being empathetic then it’s been impossible to communicate it back or become it. The biggest lesson I have learned is it is better to show up as your authentic self and then listen.
When I am fully present with the client, empathy appears naturally as I really care about helping them. But I’m human so there are clients I’ve struggled to feel empathy for.
And in retrospect in those situations, I haven’t been in their frame of reference at all. But I have found having that higher level of self-awareness when this happens can put you back into the right space.
Finally by checking in with yourself throughout the session and discussion, then asking yourself where am I right now? You will know if you’re actively in their world or your own by what you’re thinking.